Sunday, 9/2/01 11:49 p.m. Chambre Nouvelle

second night here, second night bored & cranky, second night drunk & stoned.  listening to ozzfest bands on cd.  debating whether this living situation will be one i will truly enjoy, or appreciate afterward from a distance, i.e. in retrospect.  as, perhaps, concerts?  many random boys for whom i have no particular concern.  i see a hermit-esque future in my neurological crystal ball.  <-- good description, prime example of how mind-altering substances, used moderately and with proper direction, can produce (or assist in the production of) valuable trains of thought.  other evidence to be presented: 1) paranoia 2) delusions of persecution 3) dulled concentration 4) dedication to self-examination.  my tongue ring hurts.  have not brushed my teeth since "last night" (read: this morning) at bedtime.  everyone else has gone to brian's (the brian somehow affiliated with the basketball team) for whatever reason.  i am listening to the lyrics of this song with intense (efforted) effort and a new perception; pondering my present situation with regard to socialization factors.  drowning pool: bodies.  one -- nothing wrong with me, two -- nothing wrong with me, three -- nothing wrong with me, four -- nothing wrong with me,1) something's got to give, two -- something's got to give, three -- something's got to give, --NOOOOOO let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor -- skin to skin, blood and bone, you're all by yourself but you're not alone, you wanted in and now you're here, but trailed by hate, consumed by fear.  a statement for cliques, gangs, greek houses perhaps?  social anxiety disorder?  clinical depression?  a life lived in secrecy, delusion, and self-doubt?  a facade for the masses?  i wish i could believe there were some believable argument to the benefits of this chemical "enhancement."  sounds like a fucking cult (christian) ceremony or something.  shows how desperately we need to think we are part of some kind of higher order: there's an organized religion at a temp of fervor (they cam in gradations, like politics or milk and chicken eggs, cigarettes) to suit most anyone.  usually conveniently placed within their lives, when they need a sense of devotion and aid the most, whether that be 15 year old girls devoting themselves to Wicca, priests burying homosexual desires, grieving parents who desperately need comforting, etc. etc. etc.

my lungs sound awful and i'm on too much antihistamine.  i guess if i'm going to abuse substances i might as well do all of them to excess.  r says this is typical: j's not drinking, i'm smoking pot and nursing my alcohol, and c isn't around...and r herself is degrading c, playing the coquette, alternately fucking and ignoring c (who has grown the "college beard"), pronouncing my insanity, and reliving her high school life (this time in the form of a video of ----------).  and i, i am dismissing their invitations to go out, and seeking the solitude and seclusion of my chamber.  i seem to grow less and less interested in their activities.  highlighted by frat parties and the boys from ------ last year.  i found myself missing r this afternoon.  i was cranky from lack of sleep and strained tendons as a result of furniture moving yesterday and today -- our furniture is remarkably coordinated.  most of it is mine and therefore available for when and if i decide i want my own place.  this seems an odd idea, possibly to take place far in the future, when i am much more developed -- or at least directed -- an individual than i am now.

as my friends, those who were not acquired through one another as we see in this house, are not inclined to get along well with one another, they do not form these little mobs in my presence.  i would like to think that my multifacetedness requires many different stimulants, but i think it's more that i am self-absorbed and antisocial.  i am too picky about who i befriend.  i dislike acquiring friends through others and avoid commitment to one group of people.  i believe it is part of convincing myself that i am self-sufficient and capable.  what about my passions, what do they indicate?  what are my passions?  i have an obsessive compulsion to overanalyze and deprecate, but i can hardly say that i am passionate about it as it is generally not a particularly beneficial pastime except in that it secures others to me and reiterates my facade [Latin] of sufficiency.  and this devotion, and acceptance of the facade [Latin] is what i really crave.  so there's my friendships/acquaintances/affiliates (alumni?) explained for the jury -- you the reader, being myself or ELSEONE, as the jury.  you are, of course, deliberating over these pages -- or their sum -- aren't you?  to pass some overall judgment of it.  did you like it?  is it realistic?  is it honest, truthfully presented, overt...a box-office seller?  see, society constantly seeks reinforcement, pretenses, preconceptions (preludes?).  we are a community-oriented, COMMUNAL (commune? communion?) species, purportedly.  we need alliances, reinforcements.  we are never enough in ourselves, and THIS is why we have ORGANIZED RELIGIONS!

i appear to be stuck in a repetitive analysis of religion, don't i?  m and s just returned.  most likely l & b are still making the rounds and slutting it up.  j's committed, and r is flamboyant and noncommital -- even if she's supposedly -- outwardly -- committed to mr. college beard.  once again, reinforcement (of adulthood, perhaps virility).  communal, indeed.  insecure, self-conscious, restless and paranoid, more like it.  here i.